So she tells the cop all of this, and he gives her a ticket. Big deal, right?

Your average Missoula Police Department officer.

Well, Capt. Draconian Cockboy also said something to her that I am going to complain about. Big time.

After looking over her ID he pointed out to her that he could give her a ticket for “working without a Montana license.” He made the point that he was “going easy” on her by not giving her this second ticket. The dick. Had he been aware of this facet of life a like to call “law,” he would know that students are not allowed to seek residency in Montana while attending school full time. In other words, my wife — full time student — cannot become a resident of Montana until such a time that she is no longer and student.

I of course am assuming that Capt. Draconian Cockboy did know the law because he is a cop and I assume (wrongly?) that police officers are required to have at least a rudimentary understanding of law (how else would they write tickets for jay walking?). So, assuming that Capt. DC knows this is the law, he was just fucking with my wife to start off his morning with a quick quota-filler and a side of douchery.

But more than this, is it right to have such an asinine law enforceable in the first place? How are out-of-state students to live in Missoula without gainful employment? These students pay more for the same education that is squandered by so many in-state students. In paying more they need employment should they want to eat food. So they work. They contribute tax dollars and real money to our state and economy. And they’re criminals?

Well, yes, according to Capt. Draconian Cockboy, they are.

Okay. Fine. So Capt. DC could have given her a ticket for working without being a state resident. I guess. Sure. Unless…. wait… wait.. I know this one… just give me a minute…

Oh yeah. A cop cannot just start writing you tickets for random things when he pulls you over. He can only begin to charge you with readily apparent crimes.

Read it. Learn it. Love it. And if you get a minute and $20, join the ACLU to defend your rights from the ignorant and wrong.

This cop pulled my wife over for speeding and the began questioning her about her employment, which he had no reason to do. Ever heard of the Fifth Amendment?

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

It’s a biggie. People are not held to answer questions by those representing the law, unless those representing the law have evidence.

Let’s step back. Every heard of the Fourth Amendment?

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

You can’t give me a ticket for something that you had no way of proving given the original offense unless there is cause. Example: Had Alisia been holding a bag of pot in her lap (which she would never do as she does not smoke, eat, or otherwise take part in the use of marijuana), she can be charged with that. But, if the bag were in the trunk, the cop cannot search for the bag just because he wants to.

He also cannot threatened her with a ticket concerning her residency when he pulls her over for speeding. The cock.

Something needs to be done about this backward and harmful law. And soon. Hear that legislature? Get to work or get ready to kiss those sweet out-of-state student dollars goodbye.

The Holy Scripture, as told by Joseph Smith, Prophet of the Mormon Church

We’re a secular family. Alisia was raised outside of faith and away from church, and since becoming an adult I have shunned the morality (mostly) that I was sort-of-kind-of made to  accept as a child. We aren’t looking to be saved, changed, or to have any type of faith-based awakening come into our life. In fact, every time someone has attempted to convert me to their ideology I have fought back, and at times have become extremely insulting.

Example: Between the ages of 17 and 20 my Grandma Mary, Grandma Alice, Uncle Jim, Aunt Janey, my friend Dugie, and my Mom’s friend Judy all died. It was one of the hardest times in my life.

Somewhere in the middle of that I lost a very important friendship because of an unwanted attempt at proselytizing.

My then-friend had found Jesus through, of all places, rap music. All those times that a rapper thanked Jesus my buddy Seth grew a little more religious until one day Jesus Christ of Nazareth was his personal Savior.

Sometime after one of the deaths — I think Grandma Alice, but each of those death tends to bleed into the others really — I was hanging out with Seth, playing NES. At one point we got to talking about everything in my life and I confessed to him that I was at a crisis: Why had God chose us?

For the life of me I could not figure out what the Duganzs had done to deserve such a raw deal. Admittedly I felt very Job like during this whole ordeal. And as I said this to Seth he confessed to me that he’d prayed for me. I was in no mood to hear of a loving God, I was at the time coming to terms with a string of deaths (with more to come) and though I had not read it yet, I was siding with Nietzsche–God was dead.

My attitude at 19.

So as he attempted to tell me that Jesus was not the destroyer, but a loving savior, I argued with him–foolishly. I insulted his faith, and spat on his belief in an everlasting beauty in our end. I told him that there was no God, and that he was an idiot for believing in one. Then I stormed out. We have rarely, and only superficially, ever spoke to each other since.

I now know that he was trying to help me. He wanted to make me feel safe and taken care of in the same way he was. But I was much younger, and in too much pain to see that. So I did what any angry, sad kid would do:  reacted without thinking.

Sitting in our bedroom watching me read the letter Alisia wondered if that would be my reaction to her Grandma’s gesture. But this letter, and this book were somehow different to me, maybe because I’m older and I’m more secure in how I feel about religion/God/Allah/YHWH/Jehovah/Jesus/Buddha/Krishna/ghosts/spirits/[insert Hindu god(s)]/etc.

As I stared at her words, and at the Book of Mormon she’d given us (to which we do not have a complimentary Bible for since we gave it to a friend as a joke), I just felt moved. Not moved to convert or believe, but moved to think that she felt that way about me. I’m not about to come around to a religious worldview, so I could appreciate what her gesture meant.

Grammie believes that there is a Heaven, and that she will go there. This was her inviting me and my wife to be with her, her saying, “You’re part of my family and I want you to be there with me.”

People like Grammie are not the same as the charlatans from TV, or the door-knockers who think 8:30 on a Saturday is Jesus-talking-time, they are just saying, “This is what I believe, and what comforts me, and I want you to have that same feeling.”

I just hope that those same people who reach out to me, will accept me even after I turn down their offer. I know Grammie will.

First off, I have to say that I think China is a terrible totalitarian-minded regime that crushes people. I find their human rights record grotesque, and their leaders to be awful, empty husks of humanity. But that said… the Lama isn’t that great of an alternative.

A humble representation of everything Americans should be against (Wikipedia Commons).

Mr. Gyatzo views himself as the rightful leader of Tibet. He believes himself to be spiritually on high, even being referred to as “His Holiness.” Here’s my first issue with him. He sees himself as both the political and spiritual leader of Buddhist and the nation of Tibet. In other words, he is a theocrat.

I know that America is no pearl of democracy, or bastion of freedom, but we are not a theocracy (in fact, we made our first constitutional amendment a refutation of theocratic government). What Mr. Gyatzo wants is a theocratic rule of Tibet. He is not for a “free” Tibet. He is in fact for implementing a religious dictatorship. It’s sick. It’s un-American. It should not be something supported by our government, the CIA, or our treasured D-List actors like Steven Seagal (who Mr. Gyatzo has claimed is a reincarnated lama).

Under his rule people would have to be Buddhist, and his word would be the end-all-be-all of any conflict within the government of the faith. That’s such an awful and evil thing to me that I can’t help myself from going insane any time someone says he should have Tibet back. Why would we wish that upon a people so under siege (not Under Siege, a film by reincarnated lama Steven Seagal)?

But we do support him. We give him asylum, and money, and so many of us praise his wonderful, humble living style. Which is my second issue with Mr. Gyatzo, by the way.

The lamas class in Tibet had a much higher standard of living than other people. They did not live in humble poverty, but in monasteries and temples. There was gold, and an abundance of food while below many lived in unending poverty and filth. Some people will say that I’m buying into Chinese propaganda concerning Tibet’s past, but even the Dalai Lama himself has said that serfdom existed, but then — in a stunningly weasel move — says that serfs in Tibet were treated better than serfs in China. As if that makes it better. As if we are to think that one oppression is okay by default because it could be worse. It’s like he’s saying, “Sure, you don’t have any rights and live in poverty, but over there they only have turnips! So be glad you’re over here in poverty and filth. Back to work.”

It is easy, however, for him to make these claims as he rides around in his LandRover doing commercials for Apple.

But of course this second issue is just an extension of my overall annoyance with American’s loving on this man. He does not deserve his nation back (and the Chinese also do not deserve it, FYI). The people of Tibet deserve the lives proclaimed — but not believed in — by so many bumper stickers: a Free Tibet. They deserve to have voting rights, freedom of speech and belief. And the Dalai Lama would not give this to them. He would make his ideas and beliefs the law.

Tenzin Gyatzo has a way of respecting this man, and if you disagree with him you will lose your rights. (Image from Wikipedia Commons)

He is no better than the leaders of Iran, really. Sure, he is against the death penalty, but he is also against people engaging in sexual acts like masturbation. (He also believes that homosexuals are incapable of being Buddhist because they engage in sexual acts he finds offensive.) While he will not kill people in cruel, and awful ways as the Ayatollahs will, he will take away freedom just the same.

But still America will continue to lift this man up as a courageous and giving soul. He will continue to get money from Richard Gere, and Sharon Stone (in a way he’s like Scientology).

Our leaders will praise and welcome him during so many gatherings.

And all the while the only victim will be the truth.

*****

Wow. I thought I was kicking people in the teeth when I said a gay man compiled the modern Christian Bible.

Anyway, I’ve been busy these past few months trying to write a novel and working my ass off at…work. I’ll be updating more frequently.

But let’s laugh.

See? This cat gets it.

Baucus’ life is in shambles. Barkus’ life is in shambles. And insurance reps are actively making dumbass points all around us.

And I got to kick one in the balls for it.

Yesterday I met with an insurance rep (actually as part of a group of people). Right away the question was posed that, maybe, the rep’s life wasn’t going so hot in the current political climate.

But oh, oh no. His life is going fine, he says. And he doesn’t think (rightly so) a public option or single payer is coming down the pike. And, he was willing to give his specious, moronic reasoning.

First, he had to explain risk/cost to us. Essentially if you’re a person perfectly healthy for the last six months (this is an industry standard) you pay less. Healthy for longer? Even less. The healthiest amongst us pay very little compared to the sick. But, have something wrong beforehand, or gain a new fault – BAM! – cost goes up. To him, fair. To me? A brutally stupid system (I’ll explain later to naysayers…).

Anyway, he then began his attack of public health care.

“I’m a healthy person,” he said. “How many of you smoke?”

One person raised her hand.

“I don’t think it’s right that I should have to pay for her lung cancer.”

I was immediately pissed. “Okay,” I said. “I don’t have anything against Afghanistan. I don’t think it’s right that I have to pay to blow up that nation.”

Capt. Insurance stopped his argument after that because his reasoning is pure bullshit.

This assbag is actively derailing the most decent, humane thing our government has ever attempted. His sad-but-true-joke-contribution: "I've never been lower middle class. I don't think it's fair that I have to pay for the pleebs to get crusts."

We pay for lots of things we don’t use, or want.  For example my maternal grandparents sent their children to Catholic schools, and yet they had to pay taxes used for public schools.

As Penn Jillette once said on his TV show Bullshit!, “We belong to a club and to belong to that club we pay dues, called taxes.” To add to that: We elect club officers every two years to allocate these dues in worthwhile and meaningful ways — roads, schools, crony-istic bailouts — and often times not for things we use or want. For instance, I do not plan on going to Taiwan, but my taxes help pay someone to maintain good relations with Taiwan so that someone else can go there without being killed.

Here’s some cheap jokes:

“I’ve never crashed an airplane. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to pay for the FAA.”

“I’ve never been brutally murdered. I don’t think it’s right that I have to pay for a CSI unit.”

“I’ve never got e-coli from bad meat. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to pay for the FDA.”

“I’ve never breathed with gills. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to pay for FWP.”

“I’ve never nominated my girlfriend for a federal attorney job. I don’t think it’s fair I pay that Senator’s salary.”

“I’ve never drunkenly crashed a boat containing a federal official. I don’t think it’s right that I should pay for the court to provide a fair and equitable trial.”

Finally, heading a little old school….

“I’ve never had electrical power. I don’t think it’s fair that I should pay for the Rural Electricity Act.”

Why can our taxes do all of these good things, but not the very best? What is wrong with thinking we can have the best roads, the best schools, the best quality of life, and the best health care, all if we pay just a little bit?

Beats me.

It’s been a long week of #fail in Washington thanks to that assbag Joe Lieberman and I just wanted to bring everyone a laugh before we all get cancer and die in poverty.

In the spirit of the best, I’ll end with the best joke I could come up with. Okay, it’s not mine. It came from my wife: “My house has never burned down. I don’t think it’s right that I have to pay for the fire department.”

I wonder if Sen. Assbag agrees…

Here’s a short list of outdated and “safe” acts that have graced the Halftime Show:

Super Bowl XXII, 1988: Chubby Checker

Super Bowl XXVI, 1992: Gloria Estafan

Super Bowl XXVII, 1993: Michael Jackson

Super Bowl XXVII, 1994: The Judds

Super Bowl XXVIII, 1995: Tony Bennet

Super Bowl XXX, 1996: Diana Ross

Super Bowl XXXI, 1997: ZZ Top, James Brown

Super Bowl XXXII, 1998: Boys II Men

Super Bowl XXXIII, 1999: Gloria Estafan (again!), Stevie Wonder

Super Bowl XXXIV, 2000: Phil Collins

Super Bowl XXXVII, 2003: Sting

Super Bowl XXXVIII, 2004: Janet Jackson, Janet Jackson’s weird nipple-clipped boob

Super Bowl XXXIX, 2005: Paul McCartney

Super Bowl XL, 2006: The Rolling Stones

Super Bowl XLI, 2007: Prince (toned down, given religion and losing most of the sexy)

Super Bowl XLII, 2008: Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Super Bowl XLIII, 2009: Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band

And now, introducing our new inductee that promises not to offend or confuse any viewer:

The Who in 1975 when they were releasing records without shit like "Baba O'Riley," which is an awful song no matter who plays it. (Photo from Wikipedia Commons)

The Who.

Once treated as a dangerous, insane band, The Who are now old men.

Very old.

And they’re now just Pete Townshend and Roger Daltry. They’re sober. They eat right. There may be explosions during the show, but rest assured that they will be handled by professionals, and not a drunk Keith Moon.

So, what the fuck is the point of having The Who then?

Because out of all those artists listed above, how many do you like at least one song of, or could hum at least one song? Each and every one of them. And when you get into The Stones, Bruce, Tom, Paul and Prince: We all like them. Those guys all rock and anyone saying different is a liar who should be dressed like a wolf and set free near Sarah Palin.

We all like these artists because these peeps crank out the hits. One wrote “Satisfaction.” Another wrote “Purple Rain.” Good lord, Paul McCartney was a Beatle. These aren’t some namby-pamby one-hit-wonders. These cats are destined for a prolonged superstardom even in death. But they’re all old acts. All of them. No one watching has to see something too new, something they could describe as “the shit the kids listen to now-a-days…”

That’s my issue here. There are very few instances of featuring even newish acts in the Super Bowl. In 2001 at Super Bowl XXXV Britney Spears performed–but with Aerosmith. Justin Timberlake performed in 2004–but with Janet Jackson and her boob. Whenever there is something new, it is curbed with something old and safe…or at least that’s attempted.

What if we did this in other events, or in the game itself?

Bob Costas: “All right we’re about to start here in Dolphin Stadium here in beautiful Miami, Florida. Football fans over 50 will be glad to see that for the first few snaps the Steelers are starting Joe Namath as an ode to Super Bowl III, we assume Ben Rothlisberger will be starting after that followed by a cameo by Joe Montana for a critical 3rd down early in the 2nd half.”

I’m not asking for the Decemberists to play, but why not Wilco? How about Kayne West?

The NFL has allowed Up with People to perform four times, dammit! I’ve never met a football fan who likes motivational, happy, dancing/singing troops in my life. Why not allow for a band composed of members under 40, just at the very least?